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Frustrations

I am thinking about dumping him.

I dont know if its just me being emotional and irrational.

But its changed.

There is no love or affection. I mean there is rarely affection anyhow. I am struggling. Hard.

I won't waste my life for someone who doesnt care.

I am sad.

My puppy Rain is in the emergency after hours. Fucking cost me a small fortune and I know she won't have improved by morning. Fucking hell.

Wish I had a cuddle right now.

Life.

So I moved into a rental acreage with Ebba and Budh. It is amazing. I have the girls there. And two horses.
I had the biggest fuck around regarding my bond with the old landlady Kath. She is literally a basket case. Mental. Still fighting that one. We have a room mate possibly. Robbie Pace. Damn fine haha.
Just bought a new project with Karrie. Ariah a clydie cross. Still have Ivy Duck Drae and Malika. Nixie is due for mating soon. I was meant to be going to Canada but I got a letter to tell me our Inkspired days at this location are numbered. They arent renewing our lease which means we have to move. Yep. Harsh.
I also have a boy bringing me ice cream while I stay back to tattoo his handsome self. Should be interesting. For some reasons I have butterflies. Which is not my usual collected manner. Got to get myself together haha.
Buddha started his apprenticeship with us. Loving it.
Lala is pregnant. Holy guacamole.
Mum is beautiful. And a pillar of strength

[..+..DiScLaiMeR..+..]

Thanks to the wonderous Mikhaila for my access and assembly of my little ol' livejournal.

This is my journal and it contains what ever the hell I feel like posting at the time and moment I do so. If you don't like it please feel free to fuck off.

Cheerios and sugarsnaps.

.

When the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never, because the dance with the devil might last you forever.

Words of the wise.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. If u stand for nothin' u will fall for anythin' So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't go for looks, they can deceive. Don't go for wealth,
even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you
smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day
seem bright.
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us."
..."Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
"Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you"
"I have learned more from my mistakes than from my successes"
"At times I wish I could change the past...but sometimes the past changes you
"Never regret anything that has happened in your life, it cannot be changed, undone or forgotten so take it as a lesson learned and move on."

Get over it?

Alright, so I feel like the world is against me and could be wearing a badge that says emo moment for all I care. I don't feel like starting at the beginning because curiously I don't know where it is. All is I know right now, is that I am feeling jealous, spiteful and in a foul humor. I am being unreasonable and emotional so resorting to the ever faithful livejournal rant is my preferred option.

Oh and on a lighter note, remember those circular corn crackers about the size of your palm that your mum used to smear with butter and vegemite- just had some and they are delicious as ever 10 years on. I like it.

Anyhow. There has been a new tattoo studio in the works for just over a month or so now. Since it's mention it has been a worry and a thorn in my side, I have been stressing out about it nonstop. Of course, there were rumours flying around through the employees and whatnot which I won't go into but at the end of it is became apparent that life was about to change.

And not to my liking.

I am to stay at the current location, with a tattooist and the apprentice. And Jimmy and the International artist are to go to the new studio.

So first off, Jimmy and I are being parted. He to work in this new fan-dangle studio whilst I remain here in our comfortable yet out of the way, newly renovated studio (which we happen to literally live next door to for purposes of being closer to work). I am pissed off we won't see each other each day, we will be working different hours and not even have the same days off together. In fact as it stands I don't think Jimmy is having any days off! I have been with him for just over three years and of these I have worked with him side by side for basically the whole duration. I thoroughly enjoy his company and whilst we don't spend every minute of everyday fuck arsing around together I do know he is right there. Now I won't see him barely at all. We won't spend any time together! And when we do we are going to be that fucking over the day that we just want to sleep. I will miss him. Terribly.

I will be honest and say that not only that but I like to know where he is and what he is doing. If he is not around me I will be paranoid and stressed in a kind of codependent and possessive way. I am trying to think of advantages like, oh well at least you'll treasure the time you do get to spend together or some other crap but fuck that. I want to have him all day all night for the rest of my life. Or his. Half the reason I persevere with this crap is because I know we are in it together. I feel like my security blanket is being torn away from me. Granted there has been fair warning but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Inked Generation opens one suburb away on Monday and with it goes my love. Melodramatic. Yes. Care factor? Zero.

Now let me just state another little morsel of information, had I been remaining here in the current place of employment with good friends or coworkers, perhaps my horror and foreboding dread might have been less. But as it stands I am to stay here with a coworker I have had arguments, disagreements and barely concealed dislike towards for the entirety of my employment. There is no nice way to go say it other than we are completely incompatible in nature and personality. We are even astrologically polar opposites. (dragon and dog years).

The point is - once there is less people in the vicinity there is more chance of open warfare between us. Don't get me wrong, I know I contribute 110% towards the debacles, it takes two to tango. But we seriously just do not work well together, we don't like or appreciate each other. We don't bring out the best in each other. We quarrel. We bicker. We act like children.

Now I have been on my best behaviour in lue of the fact I know I am going to be stuck here with him but that doesn't mean it has been easy. I consulted the I Ching and acted in a little by little fashion, which has been working well I suppose.

Admittedly he has been pretty good to work with but I know what we are both capable of. And I know how we work together given past experiences. I also know he has not really grown or advanced as a person and will not hesitate in resorting to his childish, manipulative and troublesome tactics which will prove detrimental to me.

He is will not help around the shop as far as keeping it clean and tidy (which my boss is pedantic about). But he does tattoo a lot, he makes the boss a lot of money on a weekly basis. Which is fair enough.

I suppose I am jealous of the fact he tattoos so much and has so much work on when I am struggling to get even one appointment a week. He gets out and socializes and brings new work in by word of mouth, he also jumps on new customers faster than anyone and takes lion share of the work. I am just off my apprenticeship which means with four artists including myself in the shop, I am way at the end of the pecking order.

This is no doubt to change once there is only two of us but I have the worry, it's not a gut feeling or instinct, it is a dead set fear that things will be terrible when I am left here with him. In truth he has not done anything in particular to inspire this, I am just fretting on past experience.

I know I will have to step up massively as well once the new shop opens. Due to the fact I will be the second artist here. Driz is more experienced and does better work than I can but I know I will get better and better the more I do. Unfortunately at the moment I am not getting the chance to advance quickly due to the lack of work available to go around. So it is kind of like a cycle that is about to break. Maybe I am hesitant because I am not confident in my abilities. Which would be stupid because I know I am competent and able.

Adding to this insecurity is the fact we have a new apprentice who'll be staying here as well. He has been here for about two months and personality wise we get along great. He is 16 and madly into piercings with a good energy and aura about him. He is like a kid brother and I thoroughly enjoy his company. He ended up getting the job through a mutual friend of the bosses ra ra ra. He is only sixteen and quite innocent but had been backyard tattooing from home for quite some time. He is pretty bloody good as far as lining and solid black work goes and I know he will be a good tattooist one day. But I am feeling rather unsettled due to a couple of reasons.

Not due to his own doing the situation arose where the boss decided in his infinite wisdom that Jethro should be tattooing ASAP and that he was to get people in and tattoo them for practice. Sure no worries right? He is an apprentice, that's what they're meant to do?

Alright, but the rule prior to that that I and Driz had to endure was that your weren't meant to tattoo at all for a year, you're just meant to clean and earn the right to even hold a machine. You have to clean clean clean and run the whole shop basically, ordering, stencils, bays, cleaning, phones etc etc. But after two months here, the newbie is permitted to tattoo. That's bullshit.

Not only that, he has none of his own equipment aside from machines so he is using my bay, our inks, our needles, our tubes (by our I mean mine and Jimmy's). Fair enough I am not using my bay I have no jobs granted. But the inks and needles WE HAVE TO BUY ourselves. Out of our freaking pockets. So basically it is costing us money for him to tattoo, which neither of us thought he should be permitted to do in the first place. We are broke as fuck and we are shafted with the new apprentices costs of running. He is not charging because he is learning, but why the fuck are we footed with the bill? Not the other artists, not the shop or the boss or even him?! It makes me angry.

And it isn't just one tattoo, he has done four tattoos in as many days and doesn't seem to be holding back. He has no trouble getting mates in to practise on (something I had huge amounts of trouble with because I didn't know anyone up here) and he has already practise so much that there is no need to be charging nothing for his work. I would honestly say he has done more tattoos than I have and I am meant to be a tattooist!

I am worried that he will be better than me and I will get fired or shit put on me because he will do better work.

Realistically, he has done minimal amounts of colour and shading, mostly just lettering and black work and that but still I am freaking out. I can't tell anyone except for Jimmy because no doubt they will think I am being a horrid bitch but this is what's happening. I know he can sense my reservation and dislike of the situation and it's honestly not his fault. I should be encouraging and happy for him because truly I am stoked for him. I wish my apprenticeship had been like that. But it wasn't. And here we are. And I am having serious troubles with my feelings of jealousy and resentment towards the situation.

I know if I were a better artist instead of being so lazy with my work that I would be confident enough and secure enough to be happy with my own abilities. But I am not. I want to be.

With the added stress of Jimmy leaving I know I am being unfair and mentally retarded about it all but that tends not to matter when you are in the midst of an emotional crisis.

Jimmy is a tool. But he makes me laugh and smile. And soon he will be gone. And I will be left with the horrid little mean monster and an apprentice that's going to kick my ass. Great. Sounds freaking great.

I made it.

My tattoo apprenticeship has now officially come to an end- as in finished, over and finally completed. I am now a tattooist. That's right. Bianka is a tattoo artist. I have a trade, for ever onwards. I am fucking stoked, really happy, kind of ... in shock I suppose. I did have a fair inkling of what was going on but I wasn't certain. They told me we were having a staff night starting once a month and that I was going to pick first. I picked horseriding first but Jimmy said no, so then I picked bowling. Ten pins it was.

Arrived there, the new apprentice's dad Chris nearly blew the cover when we arrived. He said, so tonight's the night you graduate (I stared with a perplexed look upon my face) while everyone scrambled for a verbal save hahaa. We got in there, got our shoes and the lanes set up- then called me over and handed me a box and card wrapped with pirate paper. I opened it up and it said, Congradulations you are finally a tattooist (Junior) . Inside the wrapping was two brand new Micky Sharpz boxes (hell yeah SCORE!). It was like a really strange feeling, all these people hovering about expectantly. I looked around at everyone a little bewildered and actually felt tears well in my eyes.

My boss said if he knew it was going to upset me so much he'd just take the tattoo machines back and they could extend my apprenticeship for another year! Haha.

It was awesome. And amazing. And what I have been waiting for for two years. I was surprisingly emotional considering. It really means the world to me and I am proud of myself for making it this fair. And grateful to the people who made it possible. The Tattoo Thirst crew were all there and so the show went on and we all played bowling. Had some great laughs at each other. Driz and Andy went home, and the rest of us went to Thai dinner which was delicious.

I still can't believe I have two Micky Sharpz machines, that is fucking wicked!!!

Jimmy is such an angel, he organised it all. So beautiful, he really made my whole 'graduation' special. I will remember this night for the rest of my life.

I have this thing about numbers and dates- 8 is my number and 6 is Jimmy's. So eight and six tend to appear in odd places. The date I was made a tattooist was the 19.04.2009 if you add those numbers together and break them down to a single digit, the number of todays date is 8. I wore size 6 bowling shoes and Jimmy's were 8. To me it's just a little sign that everything is as it should be.

I am following my destiny and chasing after my dreams. Becoming a tattooist has been something I have lusted after and strived towards for years and now I have finally been granted that privellage.

I am Bianka the tattooist.

=)

Family matters?

Today was a day of new and wonderful things. I used a water gurney for the first time- which was fun. I actually enjoyed spraying the outside of the tattoo shop. I made a poncho from purple lavender smelling garbage bags equipped with detatchable garbage bag sleeves to boot! Haha- I love the misty spray, I saw a multitude of rainbows, even one that arced in a nigh on complete circle. Bizzare.

I painted with a spray can... which apparently I did terribly. Something about running. It was only to rectify my high pressured water power incident whereby I took off a whole chunk of black paint from the outdoor light things. It gave me no warning as I meandered along gurneying.... then bang. A whole fist sized chunk... gone. My bad. But the problem has been fixed. :) Kind of.

Additionally, whilst the gurneying and cleaning of out the front was going on (mainly due to Andy - Driz's new apprentice and a great all round chum) a man pulled up on a motorbike, (a nice blue triumph).. I gave a fleeting look with the thought of oh customer the boys have it sorted, seeing as both tattooists were standing there at the time. The newly arrived guy made a comment to them about not having any work done... like a clean skin. I mozied along as usual until Jimmy made the comment along the lines of, "Bee, you related to this guy or something?"

It didn't really register, I looked at the tall man with short cropped blonde hair and blue eyes for a second. Kind of thinking what is Jimmy on? Then it clicked. Running across I gave him a hug and a kiss. Yes. We were related.

It was my Uncle. Erik.

I hadn't seen him since I except for a birthday lunch at some buffet place when I was 10, since I was 6 years old.

It is so... strange when someone just appears out of the blue when you have absolutely no idea. Surprise. True, pleasant, surprise is something that happens rarely. And it amazes me that a face can be aged and changed by the years yet still recognised over ten years later.

I had a period where I lived akin to a sibling with Erik, for a couple of years. In the same house, went to school, played ... he used to try and bounce me off the trampoline... yelled at me when I dropped his mice between the verandah slots and fed his science experiment to to Cindy the dog...And when I used to eat his frozen yoghurts. Hahah.

He is changed. He is an adult. Muscles and well spoken and that. He is cool. He is in the Airforce RAAF in intelligence. Just changed positions and lost a 'hook' cause he was a corperal. Has two kids of his own. Toddler and a baby. Rides a motorbike heh. He is at Caloundra for study purposes. And apparently came in a little bit ago but I wasn't here. Andy kept it a secret, for a surprise! It was awesome.

I felt like crying when he left. But that'd be silly. He spent a good few hours just talking and hanging around the shop. I really like him. It is hard to pack 10 years of life into such a short period of time but it was good. I think we did alright anyway hehe. We tried as best we could anyhow!

It's strange because I was not in contact with any of the Roggensack family for so long. Mum's side of the family was so close, t'was almost an intrinsical part of growing up- very close, involved and family orientated in manner.

But I have always, oh so cliched I know, felt like something was missing. I really had to work hard to find myself, and I still am discovering things about me all the time. I went through a bit of a rebellious stretch and what not. But things piece together when you meet people whom are a direct and close genetic relation to yourself. Blood is blood and there are so many things that are just... fucking genetic aye. Mannerisms... looks, personality quirks and abnormalities. Thoughts and views maybe.

I mean when we were growing up and together I don't recall us being that close. He was the older, broodier, cool kid that didn't want to hang out with annoying, out of place, younger kid.

It's weird because for the past couple of weeks, I have had this thing, a mental wave about blonde hair blue eyes and male. It sounds stupid, I didn't have it in my head for any particular reason, in fact I found it to be quite odd and not discernable as to why it was in my psyche. But there you go.

He thinks I look like my aunt, his sister, Tanya. One of his old friends who added me on facebook (because he thought I was Tanya) said the same thing. It makes me want to see her. She was in and out of home when I lived there with Nanna, Grandad and Erik. He was the baby. And now he is all growed up!

I feel good. I feel really good. For having got the chance to talk to him and spend time with him.

I feel like I fit with this side of the family. I haven't had them in my life since I was 6. They all know me, or did know me. And they are my family. My blood.

We talked about all manner of things. He told me how he met his wife, at 17 hitting on a 24 year old Korean lady who called herself Moon at a backpacker place near Innisvale. They've been together ever since. How he moved around, on the fishing boats and that before he joined the RAAF. How he hurt himself snowboarding which sounded particularly painful.

I probably came off as a total fruit. But hey.... that's me. I was happy and excited and curious to know him. When he went to leave he said he would come again before he left in June once his study is over- I hope he does. I went to say love you but didn't. I do love him. But I dunno, might've been a bit weird for him.

Strange aye.

Jimmy said my family are freaks. They just do that.

Do what I said.

Just pop up out of no where like bang hello I am here.

I agree. We're freaks.

Must be genetic.

:)

Oh- going wakeboarding tomorrow. Bright and chirpy at 7am! Should be a hoot.

Insert awesome here.

Well, well, well. Nothing overtly exciting to report really, just thought I would drop by with an update.

And I have to say that life for once, is rather swell.

No illness or rantings to keep me amused. I mean there are minor upsets but nothing worth mentioning.

I am actually on an endeavour to keep myself motivated, optimistic and full of positive energy. Not all that mumbo jumbo, keep a fake smile plastered on your face for the sake of others sort of thing. But the real stuff. The kind that affects your mental thoughts patterns and one's soul. Instead of falling into outdated and ineffective tired old scripts in retaliation to dealing with reality I am actively attempting deal with things properly. Beneficially to me basically.

It is actually quite pleasant. Difficult. But pleasant.

I have been reading quite a lot of late- I won't bore anyone with the details. Suffice to say that they books about various spiritual practises and ways of viewing this lovely world we live in.

Having decided I am sick of being a whinger and unmotivated I have been reading up on Coming to the conclusion that I live in a fucking fantastic place, with great family, friends and opportunities.

Now I have never been one to delve into guides on how to improve myself and barack for peace on earth and all the rest of it. However, I am opening my eyes to the thought that I can make a difference in the way I personally act and feel. I have always been aware of this but I am feeling an urge to do something about it.

Being continually stressed and ... agressive, is not how I want to experience my lifetime. So fuck it. I'm done with it.

I believe in the universe's ability to provide if I do the right thing for myself and strive towards that which I want. Good things are happening and I am a luminous fucking being.

I want to be positive and provide a source of positive energy for others.

Happy, happy, joy, joy.

As for the mundane facts.

We were late for work this morning, which was almost entirely my fault. The phone battery died so I put it on charger and conveniently forgot to turn it on. Oops.

I went to see my boss's new tattoo studio today. It's fucking hot. Red and black theme with no flash just framed artwork on the walls. Mirrors and all spiffy looking. Apparently we are going to redo the one I am working at with this sheek new look. Can't wait!

Oh my lease runs out on April fools day. We have another place organised which is handily located on the same premesis as my work. But unfortunately it is not available till May ... so we have to work something out for the mean time. And pack. Ergh. Packing. I will be sure to hit up all those wonderful friends that we have helped out over the past year when the time calls. Mwahaha.

:)

All in a day's work.

Well yesterday and the wee hours of this morning turned out to be far more action packed and entertaining than anticipated. Not that this is a highly unusual or infrequent occurance in my life but hey. Remember that neon light I suggested prior to this entry, which seems to radiate above my head, well it must have been a different shade of brilliant yesterday evening, I'm tellin' ya.

Whilst innocently tattooing away on a friend I haven't seen in a few months and may I add, after receiving numerous odd hangup phonecalls throughout the eve, I get a bizzare call off a customer whom calls herself 'Silver'. It is one of Jimmy's whom has been tattooed about four times and looks like a stripper (without being to stereotypical of course). She is absolutely off her face, which she informs me all but immediately, as well as telling me in a rather distressed and disorientated manner that she is in trouble something about guys and she doesn't know where she is or what is happening. Can she please come to the studio?

Now me being the individual I am it is without hesitation that I tell her to come here and even organise to get her picked up, just stay where she is. I am not the kind of person to tell another in need, especially a young woman - no get fucked you got yourself in the mess get out of it. Anyway, it was a quiet enough night, she could just chill out till she went home.

Long story short she ends up catching a taxi to the shop looking like a bat out of hell, absolutely trashed off her nuts as she had just broken up with her man after being slapped in the face. Proceeds to down a pill (my customer sold her but that's another story), tell my friend how much she loves Jimmy and how great he is, hurl her guts up, pass out on the couch out the front (by the time it was close time midnight I said to my partner erm should we ask her if she needs a place to stay the night? He said ... well we can't just leave her lying there), she downed more drinks nearly gets in a punch on at the pub while we were waiting for the curtesy bus and then wake up nearly everyone in the house with peculiar loud moaning noises.

After they all descended on me to go in the spare room and find out what was happening to this strange, lost girl I thought rather forlornly to myself I had to be awake in another 6 hours. Damnations.

Turned out she was half asleep, crying out for her partner?! I spent the next hour or so patting her, rocking her and hushing her to sleep. She left at about 7 am in taxi. No thank you or nothing. Hmph.

I feel like Florence Nightingale or something. I am so going to receive good karma for these random acts of kindness I am telling you.


Ahhh what a life. Just another day's hard work! Haha.